There are two ways to carry money. If you work in the matatu business, you could roll them into many small balls and stuff them in your pocket. If you are a normal bloke, you can carry them in a wallet, hopefully not one of those wallets that are branded Nike. There is no excuse for carrying a wallet branded Nike or Adidas, even if you can balance a football on your head. You can also carry money in your purse, or a clutch purse. Or a gunny bag if you are from South Sudan. If you work in the market, selling avocado and dhania, you can stuff it in your bra, perhaps the safest place to keep money in Nairobi. Because what market mad man is going to try and stick their hands in your bra? If you work in the timber business, like you own a timber workshop, you can carry money in a brown paper bag, the one that previously had sugar. Money tied together with a rubber band. If you are suave and you wear those shiny leather shoes that one can use as a mirror to shave, you can carry your money in a money clip. Like some mobster in a movie. There is nothing more dangerous, dodgy, showy like a man who carries money in a money clip. It says that if the KRA started digging they would perhaps find out that you haven’t been paying your taxes consistently. It also says you read GQ.
You could also keep your money in M-PESA. Everybody does that now. It’s easy. You can move it around from your phone to grandma’s phone. If you know what Instagram is you could also leave your money in your NCBA Account because you have Loop App and you can move your money from account to M-PESA and then to grandma.
But you know the kind of guy who takes the cake? The guy who uses his MasterCard card. He’s the kind of guy who likes clean cuts. He likes the right angles. Because he navigates them the same way he navigates life. When he goes on dates he doesn’t hold the bill and ask the waiter, “hii ni paybill ama buy goods?” No. That’s a mood killer. Not after you had made a spectacle of pouring her wine and pulling her chair and removing an imaginary fiber from her hair. The guy who does that will either remove a money clip or he will say, “PDQ, please.” Even though half the guys who say that don’t know what the acronyms stand for. Me included. Rather, used to not know.
Which finally brings me to the point of this article. One time a lady asked me after a meal what PDQ meant. She wasn’t trying to embarrass me or anything. Her nose was shiny from the four glasses of wine she had drunk and her cheeks flushed flirtatiously. You should have seen me blink rapidly, like a deer caught in headlights. Of course I never bothered to Google what PDQ stands for, because I never thought there would come a point in my life when someone would ask me what the hell it meant. I wanted to use an acronym of my own and say “OMG, why would you ask that of me. Excuse me, I have to use the bathroom, BRB.” Then go to the washroom (without my phone, to show that I wasn’t going to Google) and give the person standing on the urinal a very good reason why they should give a complete stranger their phone to Google what PDQ means.
Turns out PDQ means Process Data Quickly. I know, totally underwhelming and misleading. You would have thought the Q would stand for Quotient. Or Quota. Listen, are you going on a date soon? Or will you be going somewhere where you will need to shop, fuel or purchase items online? Use your Loop MasterCard at over a million outlets globally, free of charge, and avoid the hassle of carrying cash. Isn’t that PHAT?
Oh, that stands for Pretty Hot And Tempting
